09.08.08/10.02.08

09.08.08

Things must come undone, be recreated, redefined...
Our ideas of clean & unclean
Too much & too little
Fair & unfair
Rich & poor
Convenient & inconvenient
Necessary & luxurious
Ugly & beautiful
Appropriate & inappropriate
Need & want
Work & rest
Right & wrong...

Reality must change, is changing, whether we want it to or not. Ideas we had preconceived don't always work, aren't pertinent. The colors, the people, the essence of this place do not fit into the boxes we brought along. We cannot smooth them out, wipe them down, crop them to size, Americanize them. I am grateful for this. Frustrated and grateful.

It forces us to unclench our fists, let go, drop things. It compels us to speak another language altogether.

10.02.08

I am learning myself like a language. So far I've got enough to get by, to survive. I can communicate with my heart in broken words, familiar phrases. I can understand myself in pieces, if I go slowly, patiently. If I take clues from outside myself--my surroundings, my friends, what I evoke in others--there I see parts of myself revealed, reflected, regurgitated back to me for better or worse.

But when there is no outside, only inside to see, there is much mystery. Within--my true self--is over my head. I haven't learned this part yet. Oh, there are moments, but how small they are! Like blinking, like a breath, like a shadow passing.

The only way of learning truth is to do it slowly, unrushing myself, breathing deeply, keeping my eyes open just a bit longer, even if I do not like what I see. It is then that I will begin to learn--from the inside--who I am...or who I am becoming.