10.27.08
My selves keep resurfacing
some I'd never known before
Evolving Selves...
unsure, peaceful, restless, grasping
ready for freedom
aching to be known
but necessarily hidden, unrecognized
I worry that the surface
is too unsteady
that my Constructed Self
will deconstruct
quickly and without warning
11.23.08
Overprotective? Am I? I ask myself. I am catching myself protecting...me.
There is a tangible distance between body and mind, between thought and emotion. And for moments, when that distance closes in, the gap is filled, I suffer. And I shrink away.
Laugh, sleep, chop vegetables, surround myself with sound, light, music, strangers. These are the ways in which I protect myself from me. This is what survival looks like.
Why does my reality cause suffering? Why is it a force from which I flee?
In moments of reflection (dare I call it meditation?), I see absolute fear. I see years stacked upon one another, brimming with fiction, with disassociation, with many different versions of happiness, with answers for why life is the way it is...answers that speak no truth to my ears.
There are many shadows, and they do not amount to light, no matter how I wish them to.
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